Mumbai, February 2025 – In a groundbreaking declaration of corporate wisdom, India’s top business leaders have clarified a fundamental truth: profits are not the responsibility of companies, but of the government.
“Look, we didn’t sign up for this ‘risk-taking’ nonsense when we became billionaires,” explained the CEO of a leading conglomerate. “It’s the government’s duty to ensure we never experience financial discomfort.”
‘Privatized Gains, Socialized Losses’: A Winning Business Model
In a bold new economic strategy, India’s top corporations have formally requested that the government take full responsibility for their profits while they continue to enjoy the benefits of private ownership.
“Our businesses should only be exposed to positive market forces,” a corporate spokesperson clarified. “If the stock market is booming, we take the credit. If it crashes? Well, that’s clearly the government’s fault.”
Key Demands of India’s Business Elite
- Guaranteed Profits, Regardless of Market Conditions
“If consumers stop buying our overpriced products, the government should simply buy them all and distribute them as ‘economic growth kits,’” suggested one corporate leader. - Subsidies for Everything (Except Wages, Obviously)
“If the government can subsidize agriculture for struggling farmers, why not subsidize luxury real estate for struggling billionaires?” asked an industrialist. “Our fourth penthouses in Dubai aren’t going to pay for themselves.” - No Accountability, Ever
“If a company fails, the government must bail us out immediately. But if we make record-breaking profits, we definitely keep those all to ourselves,” said an investment banker. - Labor Laws Should Be ‘Optional’
“Why burden businesses with unnecessary expenses like ‘minimum wages’ and ‘workers’ rights’?” argued a CEO. “Our employees should feel honored to work for us, even if we don’t pay them enough to survive.”
Corporate Welfare: The Future of Economic Growth
To support India Inc’s vision, the government is reportedly considering a new policy called ‘Billionaire Protection Scheme’, which guarantees that no ultra-rich individual will ever face financial difficulties again.
Economic experts have praised this approach, calling it ‘reverse socialism’—where wealth is redistributed, but only upward. “If we don’t protect the rich, who will?” asked one analyst. “Certainly not the poor, they can barely afford their own rent.”
Common Citizens React: ‘Wait, What?’
Meanwhile, middle-class Indians struggling with high taxes and inflation were spotted staring blankly at their TV screens.
“I thought capitalism was about businesses competing and taking risks?” one confused citizen asked. “Turns out, it’s about watching billionaires demand money while lecturing us on hard work.”
For now, India Inc remains firm: profits are their right, and the government must ensure they keep rolling in.
As one corporate leader summed it up, “If making money is our job, then what’s the government even here for?”