Mumbai, February 2025 – In an unsurprising turn of events, billionaire Gautam Adani has confirmed that his conglomerate is in the “final stages” of acquiring literally everything in India.

“Why stop at ports and airports when we can buy the whole country?” Adani asked reporters at a press conference while unveiling his new Nation Acquisition Plan.

Under the proposed deal, India will be rebranded as Adanistan, and citizens will be automatically enrolled in the Adani Premium Citizenship program, which costs ₹999 per month (₹1,499 if you want access to clean air).

Government officials have praised the move as a “bold step toward privatization,” assuring citizens that their everyday experiences—water, roads, oxygen—will now be available via an Adani Super App subscription.In response, rival billionaire Mukesh Ambani has announced his own counter-offer: a new nation called Jio Bharat, where everything is free but comes with mandatory ads before you can breathe.